Why Parents Separate or Divorce
The break-up of parental relationships is confusing and upsetting for children, and their first question is often, “Why?” It is a question that, if left unanswered, can create a lot of worry and anxiety in children. When they are left to wonder why their parents are splitting up, children often blame themselves – did they do something wrong?
In the Kids’ Guide, children learn about Why? some people decide to separate or divorce. The material explains the difficulty most parents have in deciding to end their relationship, and that they usually try very hard to fix their problems. Children are given simple reasons why couples separate or divorce, and are shown examples of how they may have experienced this in a friendship that ended.
Teens can read about why couples break-up in the What? section of the Teen Guide. This site also discusses how hard it is for parents to end their relationship, and that there may be just one reason, or there may be many different issues. Common reasons are given for separation or divorce: growing apart, other relationships, hard times, alcoholism, drug abuse, and violence. Teens are told that while they can ask their parents why the relationship ended, parents may want to keep the reason private or may not be ready with a response, and that the worst reply a child could hear is something hurtful about the other parent.
Both the Kids’ Guide and Teen Guide make the following points very clear to children:
- They are not the reason for their parents splitting up; kids do not cause separation or divorce.
- The children are not at fault.
- They are not alone; thousands of kids get through their parents' separation or divorce every year, and they will too.
- Parents divorce each other, not their children.
- A child’s parents are his/her parents forever.
Telling your children the reason(s) for the separation or divorce is, of course, up to you and the other parent. Many factors must be taken into consideration, including their age, maturity, level of understanding, and the sensitivity of the issues at hand. At the very least, however, children must be told that they had nothing to do with the break-up.
Next Section: Advice for Parents
